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Are you guilty of filling in the blanks?

Let's do an experiment. Fill in the blank. “If at first you don’t succeed, ____________”. You may be thinking, “try, try again”, but I was thinking, if at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your thing. 😉

The way you filled in the blank may be an indicator of how inclusive you are.

As adults, we don’t listen to understand, we listen to respond. Our brain likes predictable patterns, and it is always trying to fill in the blanks. When we try to fill in the blanks, we often fill them incorrectly, and it can cause people to not feel heard, valued, or included.

Anytime you are communicating, you bring with your past experiences, both good and bad, with you. We are so inside of our own reality, that it’s easy to forget that our realities can be very different.

Diversity and inclusion go beyond race or sexual orientation. My son Evan has autism, and this invisible difference often makes him feel excluded and different. Transplant someone from New Jersey into South Texas (I’m speaking from experience), and the words “similar” and “included” are not how I would describe my experience. Two people can look and sound identical and still be completely different.

We have to stop filling in the blanks if we want to create real equality and inclusion.

How do you make someone feel included?

1. Really listen

We speak at approximately 125-150 words per minute, but we are able to listen to and comprehend 400-600 words per minute. That means that while other people are talking, we have lots of time to think about other things. Do you check your phone while you are in conversations? 86% of adults do, and it is the exact opposite of listening.

The moment people see you are trying to understand them, they become less defensive. Rather than spending your time trying to convince someone that you are right, truly listen to understand where the other person is coming from. Listening is not an easy skill. It requires you to stop thinking and doing so that you are able to truly focus on what the other person is saying. You will be far more effective if your intent is to listen to understand, not to be understood.

2. Be genuinely curious

I’ve yet to meet someone who is offended when I ask a question about their background, culture, or experiences. The beauty of diversity is that we all bring our own gifts, knowledge, and experiences to the table. When we make assumptions or judgements about others without first trying to understand, we are not only filling the blanks in wrong, but we offend people in the process. It is okay to ask questions, paraphrase for understanding, and show genuine curiosity. It is how we learn. Two great ways to start are, “Can you help me understand….” Or “Can you help me understand where you’re coming from…”.

3. Invite others to share their story

The best way to invite others to share their story is the offer to share your own. In the past, the idea of vulnerability was usually associated with weakness. In recent years, the word vulnerability has come to be used in a broader context — as in when you choose to share parts of yourself that you might be tempted to keep hidden. If you choose to show vulnerability with another person, that’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a demonstration of courage and builds connection and trust. This doesn’t mean you should air dirty laundry or show people that rash that keeps spreading, but it is okay to let your guard down. Not only is it okay, it helps you build resilience. When we are vulnerable, we make it safe for others to be the same.

Community and connection are created when we take time to understand and celebrate our differences as well as our similarities. I don’t know anyone that wakes up and says, “I can’t wait to frustrate and disappoint the people I interact with today”. We wake up wanting to be successful, happy, and the best possible version of ourselves. Every human being has a fundamental need for connection and inclusion. That is what connects us.

This Habit is Sabotaging Your Mental Health

When you are lying in bed at night replaying your day, are you thinking about the things that went right or the things that didn’t?

Thanks to our negativity bias, the chances are pretty high that you naturally default to the negative. When those negative thoughts become obsessive, you are stuck in rumination.

We’ve all been there – we make a mistake and replay it over, and over, and over. But is that useful – No.

How do you get out of the rumination cycle?

Rumination is the habit of obsessive thinking, it is a coping mechanism for stress, and it is a common psychological experience. When not managed properly, rumination can be dangerous to your mental health.

Replaying an event to try to figure out what you might be able to do differently next time is helpful. When you are stuck in rumination, not only is it not productive, it reinforces the negative material and our negativity bias, and it does nothing to help solve the problem.

Want to break the habit of rumination?

Distraction (do something useful and productive). Do not try not to think about it. When you try not to think about something, you magnify it in your mind. Think about or do something else.Your brain will stay in a negative loop unless you shift your attention.

Shift your attention to something positive – If you messed up, think about times you got it right. Turn your attention to your strengths. Remind yourself that you are human .If you are still stuck in a negative cycle, remember this simple question: What’s right, right now?

Practice mindfulness. Notice when you get sucked into rumination. How does your body feel? Is it contracting or expanding? You can choose to disengage. Rumination is about the past. Bring yourself back to the present. Say to yourself, “Oh, I’m ruminating again”; this calms your brain and takes you out of a threat state, allowing you to think more clearly.. Anytime you go back to rumination, gently bring yourself back to this moment and take 3 deep breaths. This will interrupt the rumination cycle.

Wherever we direct our attention becomes our reality because we find what we look for. The more you ruminate, the more likely it inclines your mind in that direction.

Breaking the habit of rumination is a skill and one that will dramatically improve your mental health. You can rewire your brain by spending more time magnifying the positive in your life and less time worrying about things you can’t control.

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Lessons I’ve learned from raising a child with Autism

April is World Autism Month, or as The Autism Society is shifting to Autism Acceptance Month.

Raising a child with mental illness and Autism has been my resilience-building breeding ground. We began therapy when Evan was just 11-months old, and he has been in one form of therapy or another ever since. The lessons we have learned from countless therapists have been invaluable.

It’s hard to believe that Evan is turning 18 this month and graduating from high school in June! While I know our journey is in many ways just getting started, I am so hopeful for Evan’s future. I am also incredibly proud of the fact that he still asks me to share his story. He understands the shame and stigma attached to mental illness and Autism and wants to help change that. As a mom, this is my proudest accomplishment.

Just like you, I’ve learned how to build my resilience muscle out of necessity. On the days when I doubt my own strength, I look back on the lessons I’ve learned (and the ones I’m still learning):

1. Unconditional love
2. Acceptance
3. Empathy
4. Support
5. Self-care

Join me this month in helping build awareness and acceptance for people with Autism. And remember, when you see behaviors from others that may make you cringe, rather than pass judgment, offer a kind smile, a pat on the back, and provide reassurance. Remember, we are all doing the very best that we can.

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Comparison is the thief of joy

Who do you compare yourself to regularly?

Or more specifically, who have you compared yourself to in the last 24 hours?  

So often we ask ourselves, "How does this person do “that”? What am I doing wrong?" While it is natural to compare yourself to others, it’s also what robs us of joy. 

Without realizing it, when we compare ourselves to others, we activate our brain’s negativity bias, and it directly affects our mental state. Research shows that the kind of social comparison women are prone to is directly linked to low self-esteem.  

Social media makes this comparison all too easy. We compare our life to the highlight reel of our friends, family, and colleagues. I can tell you that when you see my posts on social, you are most likely to see the great moments. I rarely post when I’ve had a horrible day because who wants to see that? Social media can be great if it helps you connect with others and build relationships, but not when it starts impacting your mood or causes you to constantly compare yourself with others. Doing that is just waging mental war with yourself. The next time you find yourself heading for a social media fix, ask yourself if it is serving you. Instead of endlessly scrolling, take time to comment on posts and engage with the people in your network. 

I confess, I check my phone more often than I care to admit and get caught up scrolling through social media. Half the time, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. And that’s the problem – when we unconsciously allow anything to interrupt our mental processes and potentially shift our mood, we are giving away our mental real estate. This is especially the case when you are tired and don’t have the mental capacity to process it, put it in perspective, and choose how you want to interpret it.  

The next time you head down the path of comparison, make a concerted effort to S.T.O.P. (Stop, Take three deep breaths, Observe your thoughts and emotions, and Proceed). Then spend your time and energy celebrating all of the amazing things you have accomplished and all the great things you will go on to accomplish. Don’t rob yourself of joy by comparing yourself to others. 

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The greatest predictor of long-term happiness 😊

If you have found yourself isolating, it is important to remember that our relationships play a huge role in our ability to stay resilient. They buffer us against our most difficult and challenging times, providing the deep connection human beings fundamentally need.

Our social connections have been found to be the greatest predictor of how long we will live (more than smoking, high blood pressure, and obesity), and the greatest determinant of our long-term happiness:

- Our connections shape the way we see the world. Harvard researcher Shawn Achor found that if you were to look at a hill by yourself, you would believe it’s 10-20% steeper than looking at a hill of the same height while standing next to someone who would climb the hill with you. Social connection changes what your brain sees.

- Social connection improves overall wellbeing. When you have a pro-social mindset (when you’re focused on doing things to help others), research shows you are kinder, have more energy, and increase motivation, productivity, and creativity. If you are an introvert (or have found yourself becoming one) this doesn’t mean you have to constantly socialize or be the life of the party, but it is important to connect with others. The quality of our relationships is much more important than the quality. The happiness boost you get from connection with others is crucial to your health and well-being and a key element to building resilience.

Not only does connecting with others give us a sense of belonging, it can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher levels of empathy, and actually improve our immune systems. By neglecting our need to connect, we put our health at risk.

If you have found yourself retreating into a cocoon, don’t forget to make time to connect with friends, family, and colleagues. Your health and happiness depends on it.

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The Most Important Kindness Practice Of All

Would you let a total stranger into your house so they could steal all your stuff? Of course not!

Well, guess what? You do this every single day, and the person sabotaging you is…YOU!

When a friend makes a mistake, do you berate them? Belittle them? Yell at them? No. Then why in the world would you reserve that treatment for yourself? There are plenty of people who are kind and compassionate toward others but go for the total knockout when it comes to how they treat themselves.

We don't often give ourselves the grace or the common decency that we would show a stranger on the street.

This month I've been sharing the science behind kindness and compassion. We have explored how being kind can strengthen your immune system, reduce stress, and improve well-being. Unfortunately, you can’t practice true kindness and compassion with others if you don’t start with yourself. This has been a hard nut to crack for me, and it’s one I work on daily.

In order to actively and intentionally give yourself grace, protect your peace, and build resilience practice these 3 strategies daily:

1. Start with the way you talk to yourself about yourself.

I talk a lot about communication in business and in relationships, but in this case, it has to start with how you communicate TO yourself ABOUT yourself. It’s difficult to see the world in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself. If you’re sending yourself messages like “I’m not good enough” and “I’m unhappy”, you start to find those things because we find what we look for. Building resilience starts with self-compassion. Blaming our actions rather than our character allows us to feel guilt instead of shame. In his book, "Resilient", Dr. Rick Hanson asks, “What would you do if you were on your own side?” Approach yourself with the same kindness you would show to a friend.

2. Quiet your mind.

Our brain is constantly changing and adapting based on the input we give it, and what we focus on grows. Shawn Achor, author of "The Happiness Advantage" and "Big Potential", notes that the first and last 30 minutes of the day are the times when you are most vulnerable to having your attention hijacked. During these times, your brain is not as easily able to prioritize information or place it into a greater context.

When it comes to taking care of yourself, take control of the first 30 minutes of your day. That means no social media, no news, and no email. Give yourself a fighting chance by taking control of your day before it takes control of you. Protect your most valuable resource – YOU.

3. Don’t believe everything you think.

Your thoughts and feelings are not facts; they are simply information. Rather than analyzing and judging why you are thinking and feeling a certain way, simply observe it. When you notice a self-sabotaging thought, stop and ask yourself two questions:

1. Do you know this to be true? And 2. Is this thought or emotion serving you?

Challenge self-defeating thoughts by deconstructing them, rather than getting stuck in them. This takes time and practice, but you’ll start to realize that you have developed self-defeating habits that are sabotaging your mental health.

Being kind to yourself is a hard job, but it is a requirement for resilience.

Thank you to everyone who participated in the Random Acts of Kindness Challenge! I hope you will continue practicing random acts of kindness and experiencing all the benefits (both physical and mental) that come with showing compassion to yourself and others.

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A Thanksgiving gratitude reminder!

It’s hard to believe it’s already time for Thanksgiving and before we know it 2022 will be here!

This is a great time to really put things in perspective. It’s the time of year when we get to look back, celebrate our accomplishments, re-focus on things we still want to accomplish, and be genuinely thankful for all of the good in our life.

Sometimes in order to gain perspective, we have to reset. Ask yourself, "What is most important and does the way I spend my time reflect that?" Take the time to make sure your actions match your intentions.

Need a little help?

Here is a 3-step process that you can use to literally rewire your brain by looking for the good stuff:

1. Look for it.
Last week we talked about What is right, right now?. Whether it is spending time with family or surviving time with family, take time to look for all the good.

2. Savor it.
When you experience a delicious moment, sit in that good feeling. It could be a belly laugh at a joke at the dinner table or extra whipped cream on your pumpkin pie. Whatever it may be, enjoy it and really take it in.

3. Express it.
Gratitude is contagious. Let the people around you know how you feel about them.

When you start looking for the right things, it’s amazing what you find. So this Thanksgiving, eat too much, laugh as often as possible, and cherish each moment and be thankful.

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, to each and every one of you for being a part of my life. You make this journey incredible. Wishing you a healthy and Happy Thanksgiving!

And don’t forget…we are in the home stretch of the Random Acts of Kindness Challenge! Every single day for the month of November practice at least one random act of kindness. I want to know what they are! Comment on social using the hashtag #RandomActsChallenge, send me an email at [email protected], or subscribe to my YouTube channel and comment there.

Let’s make kindness go viral this month!

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Subscribe to the Anne Grady Group for more resilience-building tools and strategies! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU8s......

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Sign up for Anne's weekly Resilience Reset email list!
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What is right, right now?

What is one thing in your life that is right, right now?

Is your family healthy? Do you have someone that loves you? Are you safe?

Day-to-day life can be hard. There are stressors, to-do lists, chores, and more to do than time to do it. When we are in the middle of it all, it’s easy to find all of the things that are wrong.

Take your home for example. Whether you live in an apartment, house, or on a friend’s couch, it’s easy to look around and find all of the things that you wish were different. The walls might need to be painted, carpet might need to be replaced, or maybe you are dying to get rid of the wallpaper you’ve had since 1985. I’m sure you can look around and find quite a few things you wish were different.

But when was the last time you looked around your home or living space for the things that are right? Do you have electricity? Running water? A comfortable place to sit or sleep?

When we zero in on what’s right in our life, our brain begins to scan the environment for whatever is top of mind. If you’re looking for good stuff, you’re much more likely to find it. Doing this often will literally change the neural structure and function of your brain, offsetting your negativity bias, making you more likely to see what’s right in your life. It also produces dopamine and serotonin which will lift your mood, making it easier to find the good. You’ll find yourself in a positive spiral, rather than a negative one.

So, here is your assignment (should you choose to accept it):

Write the following on a piece of paper or a sticky note and display it somewhere you will see regularly (computer monitor, refrigerator, bathroom mirror, etc.): WHAT IS RIGHT, RIGHT NOW?

Since our brain was built to protect us and keep us safe, not make us happy, it is constantly looking around every corner to find what’s wrong. Unfortunately, we tend to find what we look for. This week, try looking for what’s right about your home, job, kids, family, and life.

Then next time you find something wrong, counter it by finding something that’s right.

Be intentional about finding the good in people and situations. Take notice of little moments, appreciate small gestures, and communicate your gratitude to others. The more specific, the better. Your brain becomes primed to start finding the good stuff out there, and there is plenty of it — even in difficult times.

One method I have for cultivating positive emotions is something I call “delicious moments.” You can increase the likelihood of positive emotions by taking time to savor them. Every time you sit in a positive moment, you embed it more deeply into the neural structure of your brain. Whether it is savoring the first sip of coffee, snuggling with your pups, sending a text of gratitude to a friend, or binging a new Netflix series, delicious moments are all around us if we just take time to experience them.

Subscribe to the Anne Grady Group for more resilience-building tools and strategies! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU8s......

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Sign up for Anne's weekly Resilience Reset email list!
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Go Ahead, Make My Day...

Welcome to Week 2 of the Random Acts of Kindness Challenge!

After a very stressful travel week for our family, I had an opportunity to turn someone's day around, and this video shares how it ended up making mine better too.

If you watched my video from last week, I talked about the concept of a "helper's high". When you give to others selflessly without expecting anything in return, your brain releases dopamine, serotonin, and lots of other happy hormones that make you feel warm and tingly inside.

There has been a lot of research around this benefit of practicing kindness, including a 2005 review that found older adults who volunteer experience lower rates of depression, lower mortality rates, higher self-esteem, and greater functional ability than those who don't. The researchers also found these actions strengthened the resilience of those who performed them.

One of my favorite authors, Kelly McConigal, wrote a book called The Science of Compassion, and she calls this the "tend-and-befriend response." In her book, she says, "Caring for others triggers the biology of courage and creates hope."

We are all reeling from the emotions of navigating a global pandemic for almost two years. With so much volatility, uncertainty, and frustration, it is easy to feel hopeless.

It’s simple. Volunteer. Help someone in need. Call a friend or family member who may be struggling. I donate a portion of all my book proceeds to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Central Texas. Although I love being able to do this it's also selfish because it feels so good to know I am giving back.

Every single day for the month of November, practice at least one random act of kindness. I want to know what they are! Please share them with me in the comments on social media or email me at [email protected] We rarely know at the time what a huge impact a small act of kindness may have on someone's day or even someone's life.

Let's make kindness go viral this month!

Subscribe to the Anne Grady Group for more resilience-building tools and strategies! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU8s......

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Sign up for Anne's weekly Resilience Reset email list!
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